I pretend that I can’t remember her cat-patterned sweater or her flip flops in winter or her shrill laughter that bubbled over the edges of the hallway when we walked to class. I unwind my memories. Corrupt the files. Delete. I burst into tears on the 9:06 train to school. I burst into tears on the 8:44 train home. I cry in public. I become someone who cries in public. My mom texts me. She asks if I want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t talk about it. I become someone who dissociates in the library. I dissociate in the library. I count the slivers in the tiled ceiling until a girl walks past and laughs and says, “I’m wherever you are right now.” I walk in the snow. I imagine lying face-down in the snow. I imagine breathing snow. Time travel. I slip on the ice outside my friend’s dorm. I sit in the passenger seat of my friend’s car. I give her a pep talk as she tries to park in the congested funeral home lot. I go inside where everyone is aimless and weepy. I make a terrible noise when I see the open casket lined with stuffed animals. I approach the open casket lined with stuffed animals. I kneel and maybe pray. I forget whatever I say to the family as soon as I say it. Probably “I’m sorry.” I sit in the passenger seat of my friend’s car. She drives us to Chipotle. I buy a Chipotle burrito bowl and tortilla chips. I eat a Chipotle burrito bowl and tortilla chips. Guacamole smears on the sleeve of my mourning dress. I sit in the passenger seat of my friend’s car. I tell her to pull over. I throw up.
Sophie Hoss loves the ocean and is in bed by nine every night. She is currently pursuing an MFA in Creative Writing and Literature from Stony Brook University, and her fiction and poetry have appeared in BOMB, The Baffler, The LA Review, Identity Theory, and elsewhere. She reads for Fractured Lit and is a contributing editor for The Southampton Review. Her work has been nominated for the Pushcart Prize, and she was an honorable mention in Deep Wild Journal's 2024 Graduate Student Prose Contest. Her mini-chapbook "Little Divinities" was the runner-up for the 2023 MAYDAY Poetry Prize and will be published with New American Press. You can read more of her work at sophiehosswriting.com.